Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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