Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
