She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
