im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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