Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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