Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize