george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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