I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
