Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
