I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize