i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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