my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
