I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
