10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
