If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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