Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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