i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
