I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
