No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
