ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How external is "for external use only"?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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