I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
