before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
