Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
