bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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