im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
