I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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