why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
