3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize