You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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