dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
