So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
