what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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