I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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