he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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