i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My feet surprised me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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