one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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