this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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