This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
