The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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