Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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