a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
