I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
