I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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