I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
