My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
