I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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