ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
