I just threw up on my dentist
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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