you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
