it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
