I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
