I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
