i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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