I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
