The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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