my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
