My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
