I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
