You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
