Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
