dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i dont even know how to be here
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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