Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
