My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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